2007 Darwin Awards

This list comes out every year. I don't know if these people and events are real, but I thought I'd post them anyway.


2007 Darwin Awards

29 July 2007

Have you heard of the Darwin awards? They are given to those who allegedly keep out gene pool clean by taking themselves out of it. They’ve been around for a few years and these are the awards for this year apparently.

First place winner:1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked…..
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And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
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3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
——————————————————————————–4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
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5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
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7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder-block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder-block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder-block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
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8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called “911″ immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
(And they wonder why tigers eat their young!)
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9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

"I will never forget"

As much as I always wanted to be a rock-and-roll star, I've come to terms with not being that. Sometimes I'm angry with God for blessing me with a portion of talent and then not allowing me to use it in the way I thought it should be used. But most of the time I'm glad that nothing much came of those dreams. I honestly don't think I would have liked that life very well.

The downside to not making a living with music is in feeling badly that my songs sit on a shelf most of the time, and I have few outlets for giving them the exposure I believe they deserve. I regret that with a palpable ache in my throat.

While the songs go largely unknown, however, these days I'm doing better about using my small gifts as a musical person (not a musician)--at church I sing a little, play a little guitar and flute. It's rewarding every Sunday and becoming more and more so recently.

Today, for example, a truly amazing and humbling moment came and went without my immediately recognizing it. My friends Roz and Joe had a group of Chinese university professors in our church's early service (Cherokee United Methodist Church's 9:00 a.m. Arise service). The band played well--"Salt and Light," "Reign in Me," "More Love, More Power, "Lifesong" and "Those Who Trust." The congregation was opening up, as they've been doing more and more recently--clapping in time, moving in rhythm, singing together. It was a good service.

When Sunday School was over, my son and I were heading out to meet some friends for lunch, but the Chinese group, who were outside and ready to leave, saw us and stopped us. We passed some greetings and compliments back and forth between us, and they took the opportunity to take a couple of pictures. Then my son and I were on our way to Greeneville.

But on the drive, while he was reading his Harry Potter book, I was thinking back over the morning, when suddenly a moment that had passed in a blur came clear to me. I saw a Chinese professor, probably about my age, approach me with a smile and a nicety about the morning's music. What really brought tears to my eyes as I drove 65 mph along Hwy 11E was the image of her shaking my hand and saying, "I will never forget!" What an amazing thing to be part of an event that somebody from the other side of the world will carry home with her.

God, that is amazing! I can imagine that had I become the star I wanted to be, moments like that--most of them insincere--would have been so much a part of my life that they would eventually become meaningless. But now that I'm just another fat guy with a guitar in Tennessee, this wonderful moment can become one that I will never forget!

Fiddle & Fire

From today's Writer's Almanac:

And today, the 18th of July, is believed to be the anniversary of the fire that burned Rome in 64 AD, while the emperor Nero supposedly played his fiddle. In fact, he wasn't in Rome. He was away at his holiday villa on the coast, and when he heard about the fire, he rushed back to the capital and took charge of the operations.

The rumors about his playing his fiddle probably came from people in the Roman military who did not approve of Nero's artistic leanings. He'd come to power at the age of 16. He was the youngest ruler in the history of Rome. He was more interested in music and poetry than in battling the barbarians. And he didn't play the fiddle; he did play the lyre. But his real passion was singing. He was also known to be a transvestite, which did not endear him to the soldiers.

One of the rumors being spread at the time was that Nero had himself started the fire because he was disgusted by the architecture in Rome and wanted to rebuild the city. And to bolster his own image against these rumors, Nero decided that the fire needed to be blamed on someone else, and he picked out the Christians who were generally loathed by Romans.

The religion of Christianity was only a few decades old when Nero singled it out. Nero rounded up Christians; they were covered in the skins of wild animals, torn to death by dogs, crucified, or they were burned at the stake. Most Romans at the time despised Christians, but Nero's program of persecution went further than the people wanted. It had the unintended effect of making people sympathize with Christians. And a little more than 200 years later, the emperor of the Roman Empire himself converted to Christianity, and it became the dominant religion of Europe.

Old Headline

Life is ridiculously busy right now, and I miss making my postings. I'm working on hiring a temporary secretary to replace last week's sudden retirement and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in the job I haven't even started yet.

Anyway, here's an item from today's Writer's Almanac. See if you can guess what the headline means:

Variety ran a famous cover story headline on this day in 1935, "Sticks Nix Hick Pix," which meant . . .

Restless Night

I went to bed around 10:30 p.m. and fell asleep fairly quickly. When I woke up and rolled over to look at the clock, it read 1:12 a.m. I'm not sure if I'm glad that I still have the majority of the night ahead of me or if I'd rather just get it over with and get on with the day.

Whence this restlessness?

At 4:00 this afternoon, I received a call from the Honors Program's executive aide, a woman that I was depending greatly upon to help me learn my new position over the next year. She told me that she was retiring . . . immediately. I'd find her keys on her desk, and I might consider changing the code of the locks on the doors of the Honors House. No notice. Nothing. She's just gone.

What most upsets me about this is that while her voice had such a smile and a celebration in it, her action can hardly be considered anything but spiteful. I haven't even begun officially as director, my official start date's being 1 August 2007. The Associate Director is out for hip replacement surgery for several weeks. And the Dean just left for Paris today. I'm hung high and dry, and she couldn't help but know that would be the result.

She had been at great pains to let me know how much God gave her strength for life. And I looked forward to working with this Christian woman. Now she does this spiteful thing, and I find it difficult not to put her into the category of the many mean-spirited Christians (so-called) in this world.

I'll get by, and I'll learn my position without any more of her help. Eventually I'll be glad that I don't have to work with somebody who is capable of this (at best) thoughtless and (at worst) vindictive action. So I say congratulations and good riddance.

Restless night.

The Beatles

I'm still out of town, but here's some more rock and roll history from the 6 July Writer's Almanac:

It was on this day in 1957 that two teenagers named John Lennon and Paul McCartney first met at a church dance in Liverpool, England. Lennon was performing at the dance with his band and McCartney was in the audience. McCartney was impressed by John's singing, so he introduced himself after the performance. They didn't hit it off until Paul mentioned that he played guitar, and he knew how to tune one. John was even more impressed that Paul knew the lyrics of recent rock and roll songs. John could never remember lyrics, which was why he often made up new ones while he was singing. Paul volunteered to write out the lyrics for the song "Be Bop a Lula" for John, and the two became fast friends. By 1959, they were calling themselves The Beatles.

Elvis

From the 5 July Writer's Almanac:

On this day in 1954 Elvis Presley recorded his first rock and roll song and his first hit, "That's All Righ (Mama)," which had originally been written and recorded by Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup.

Time, Time, I Need More Time!

In this scene from The Hobbit, Gollum and Bilbo Baggins are asking each other riddles. I don't remember all the details right now, but it's a scene in which the little monster--Gollum--is out for blood. For the win, Gollum asks a riddle that Bilbo can't figure out. When his time is up, Bilbo pleads, "Time, time, I need more time"--something like that. As luck would have it, "time" is the answer to the riddle, so Bilbo wins.

Why am I thinking about this? I ran across another novel idea that I've wanted to write for a long time. Add it to the others I currently have in mind, and "Time, time, I need more time" is the phrase that shouts in my head.

I might write a bit about the new idea soon, but for now, I have to get ready to leave town to see my granddaughters for the holiday.

Have a safe and happy 4th, and pray that this nation somehow learns to live up to this celebration of itself and its ideals.